Received / 09/11/99 2200Z

Deciphered by A/1c Don Levesque

Analyst A/1C Tom Pugh,                         Declassified

Date09/11/99  Revised 10/30/2006 08:20:56 PM -0500

Time /2200z

YY  EMERGENCY

TO ALL HANDS

TOP SECRET (EYES ONLY)

Subject an unofficial analyst of Zweibrucken Germany

A BRIEF, UNOFFICIAL HISTORY OF ZWEIBRUCKEN, GERMANY AND TURENNE-KREUZBERG KASERNE

HOME OF THE

 “FIGHTING 6901^ST” 

789-1988 AD

A Reminiscence by Tom Pugh, 20250-4  6901^st SCG.

The military post at Zweibrucken, a German word meaning “two bridges” was originally built as a training camp for group of German youth called the Charlemagne Jugen in 789 AD.  Although there was never a satisfactory explanation of the reason to name a city after two dental appliances, it may have something to do with an ancient custom, still practiced by some people in the area, of eating boiled rocks. 

An epidemic of bacterial flatulosis was responsible for the closing of the base in 869 AD.  It stood empty for hundreds of years until it was reopened in the late 19^th century to train and house the Kaiser Wilhelm Jugen and later the Hindenburg Jugen. For a time it was home to the Abraham Koppelstein Jugen, but they suddenly left in 1936.  

Following this, it remained essentially unoccupied until it was taken over by desperate Waffen SS soldiers toward the end of WW II. This SS was an elite Wermacht fighting group, similar to the U. S. Army Nurse Corps.  It should not to be confused with the Gestapo SS which is similar to the U. S. Army Dental Hygiene Corps.  Their goal was to save the base from being destroyed hoping that future generations of allied military “victors” would be stationed there and wonder if they had REALLY won the war.  This goal was accomplished and the basic architectural integrity of what was to be the site of the 6901^ST SCG was preserved.   In fact, some of the USAFSS operations buildings were rumored to have been SS barracks.  As they were painted and had heat, windows, and running water when this writer first saw them, confirmation of this as fact is difficult.  It is possible that German units were assigned billets with these amenities, unlike USAFSS personnel, who were expected to live like ground squirrels, except that their food was worse.   

With regard to the architectural “uniqueness” of the area, there was persistent rumor of a secret tunnel under the base.  This supposedly connected the ‘01^st base with the former Nazi fighter base then occupied by the RCAF 3^rd Fighter Wing in southern “Zwei”.  The tunnel was supposed to have been constructed by NAZI troops but it was later speculated that it was built by GI’s hoping to tunnel into the Canadian base and get a decent meal.  Its existence was never confirmed but there was ample confirmation that a decent meal was never served at the USAFSS base in Zwei.

As the victorious Allies penetrated the sanctity of the German homeland, forward elements of General Patton’s Third Army along with several hundred ClassVI officials and duty roster clerks arrived in “Zwei” in early 1945 demanding the surrender of the town or at least large portions of Exheimer Strasse.  The SS response was “cashews”.  This was an all too obvious attempt to duplicate the now famous “nuts” reply issued to German officers by Gen. McAluff of the 101^st Airborne Division when asked to surrender at Bastogne.  “Not too G-----n f-----g funny, you kraut m-----------g c---------g a-----e s-- of a b---hing s---head b------s” was the General’s only comment.  The SS did make members of the surrender party honorary Nazi’s, however, and some of this group went on to form the Christian Coalition in the U. S. many years later and several became senior officers in the DEA.    

Up to this point, the town had been spared destruction by allied bombing raids based on the conclusion, amply supported by aerial reconnaissance, that bombing would cause absolutely no damage whatsoever.  It was heavily toilet papered in ’43, as a kind of  G. I. Funny, and pamphlets covered with the German equivalent of “kiss my a--” (I’m just reporting the facts here! No offense intended to those of a more sensitive persuasion.) were scattered by propaganda bombers returning from demoralization runs over the Ruhr Valley. 

Outrage over the “cashews” response was uncontrollable and the reaction by Allied might was immediate and severe!  In retaliation for this insult, a skywriting plane was sent to write “Hitler eats the big one” over the skies of “Zunni Zwei” as American’s affectionately called Zweibrucken in later years, even when it was cloudy!  Unfortunately for Zweibrucken a flight of several hundred bombers returning from bombing raids on strategic targets at Oktoberfest, Oberamergau and a Baby Milk Factory in Baghdad saw this message, which to them read “eno  gib eht stae reltiH”.  The crypto officer on board the lead aircraft,  Sgt. D. D. (Bop) Tuohtwo  believed this to be a coded message from the underground and quickly deciphered it. (“Bop” later became the FIRST cryptoanalyst at the ‘01^st )  The message, which appeared to be coded in a simple substitution codeword cipher system, read,  “bomb this @#%# hole”( never figured out what @#%# meant) .  In a matter of seconds word flashed through the formation and thousands of bombs and several hundred rolls of toilet paper and condoms filled with water rained down on the unfortunate town and the cowardly soldiers who had muttered the intolerable insult.  In less than ten minutes, the town had become a large pile of bricks, tissue and rubber. Subsequent aerial reconnaissance showed that while the town had suffered terrible damage, it in fact, looked better than before the bombing!  And, the former training camp and “jugen area” had remained miraculously unscathed by the furious attack (except for some condoms which landed in the area that would later become the BOQ .)  An American officer, Capt. (later General) Baseball “Batboy” Guano felt that this was a “sign from above” (not the Pentagon!) and recommended that the base be used as a gateway for occupation troops after the war because it had (1) divine protection and (2) newly discovered “condom bushes” which would provide a ready supply for use by the officers saving the government millions of dollars monthly.  (A two year nine million dollar study later confirmed that the “condom bush” theory was in fact erroneous and that “Batboy” had mistakenly assumed that the water filled condoms dropped in the raid were growing on bushes in the area.)

After the war was over, it was decided to send in thousands of “dietetically challenged” soldiers through “Zunni” for occupation duty.  This required the building of the 645,000 square foot “dining facility” on the base that so many recall in gustatory nightmares, and reinforcement of the local sewer system.  (When fully stocked, by the way, this facility held enough food to feed all of Southwestern Germany for two months although most locals who had an opportunity to try it said they preferred eating their boiled rocks to this food, a sentiment shared by many USAFSS personnel in later years). The Army cooks staffing this facility had earned the equivalent of a GED in weenie roasting and rumor has it that two of them could read, although this was never confirmed by objective outside sources.  Steak was occasionally served at this facility and amazingly, this always occurred during visits by commanding field level officers from command, a coincidence that today still amazes this writer.  Trucks carrying the hungry soldiers to “chow”(an ancient Austrian word meaning “to place excrement in one’s mouth”) would wait outside this “chow hall” with their engines idling for hours while the hungry soldiers “chowed down”,.  This waiting area later became the site of the “ popular” base theater where movies were shown, some in the decade in which they were produced and popcorn was served sometime during the month it was popped. 

After a particularly bad batch of SOS was served for breakfast, several hundred soldiers and KP workers threatened to hold a “barf in” outside the BOQ.  Fearing damage to the condom bushes, a settlement was quickly arranged by Master Sergeant H. B. “ Hot Breeze” Munson, a relative of a future base commander C. B. “Cool Breeze”!  One of the conditions of capitulation by the incensed mob was that a wooden statue of a pig be erected outside the quarters to commemorate this incident.  This was quickly accomplished by concerned authorities.  (Later in the mid sixties, someone who was “FIIGMO” supposedly removed the Smallwood statue as a prank.  It would never be seen again although it was memorialized in paint on the walls of the BOQ one evening).

Following this “mutiny” the U. S. Army abandoned the base and turned it over to the French army who then assumed control and occupied it for several years.  They changed the name from American Army Base and Chow Hall to Turenne Kaserne and Frog Pond and decreed that the Jagerhof was to serve snail pizza “on demand”.  The somewhat unique name of the base was chosen I was told, because of either (1) the French love of soup or (2) because of their propensity to wear ceramic pots on their heads after “Cinq Centime Bier Night” at “Le Rod et Gun Club”.  Unfortunately, I do not speak French and am unsure of the exact translation of these terms.

In the late fifties, the base, by now in need of major renovation and covered with snail shells, was returned to the U. S. Army and was renamed Kreuzberg Kaserne and Bowling Alley  in honor of Analise “Big Thang” Kreuzberg, a popular personality in the “Zwei” area and close personal friend of the new base commander, Gen. Guano (which see, above). He received top priority secret (not codeword) orders to promptly begin destruction of the old French barracks.  It was soon realized that the orders had been garbled during transmission and that what was actually desired was the destruction of FRANCE!  However, it was too late to accomplish the latter task as most of that years Attack France budget had been diverted by devious bureaucrats to pay for the barracks destruction fiasco.  Demolition was immediately halted but serious damage had been done to the already crumbling buildings.  Unbelievably, there was never enough money in subsequent $800 gazillion dollar defense budgets to repair the damage, so it was decided to reclassify these quarters as “semi-field” units.  Efforts to reclassify personnel as “semi-human” failed.  This new classification was justified by authorities as a way to expose and train troops to the rigors of life in a partially destroyed city.  This started a new “lifestyle”trend that soon spread to many other military bases, and especially USAFSS sites. 

Former Captain, now General Guano, remembering the deciphering incident in the war, felt that this was a sign that this base was destined to be used for some sort of cryptologic activity.  During “Nickel Boiler Maker Night” at the Officers Club at Kowdungerdorff, home of the Army’s crack 69 ^th Venereal Decontamination Unit, he had the good fortune to meet a 2^nd Lt. who had been recently selected to form the USAF “Intercept Enemy Communications and Try to Figure Out if They Are Going to Attack The US” (IECTFOTAGAU) Command. (Seventy-eight name changes later, this unit became the USAFSS, which sound s a whole helluva lot better, in my opinion.)  Sensing further divine intervention “Gen’l BaseballBat, Sir!” as he was affectionately called by career military personnel, offered to sublet a portion of the base to this new AF command for a measly $1.3 billion* dollars a year plus an agreement to let his son, “A. K.” Guano work as manager of the EM Club for life with no nosey accountants butting in trying to tell him what to do.  The Lieutenant who was later to become a member of Congress from a small state, literally jumped at this heaven sent opportunity and thus, the future location of what was then called the 1^st was selected.  Six thousand nine hundred designation changes later, this very same unit became what we all knew as the 6901^st, and later the 1069601^st. 

Initially, orders were sent indicating that Major General Thurman Miller had been  made commander of the USAF portion of the base as well as the  “Queen” of Zweibrucken . Unfortunately, it was soon realized that again, there had been some garbled communication and that AIRMAN BASIC Miller was supposed to have been appointed the Latrine Queen of his flight in basic training.  Not wanting to appear incompetent, the CINCUSAFLATRINES saw to it that Amn Miller was summarily promoted to Major General and put charge of the motor pool at Bad Kreuzenheimenknockwerstenfelder dorfenberg.  He was later RIF’d to MSgt and ironically, ended up as the “First Shirt” of the ‘01^st in the ‘60’s, although his retirement pay would be that of a six star general along with a free turkey from the chow hall every Thanksgiving & Christmas. Isn’t life strange?

After the code group, “yjnaxjvl ezwpmb xjnx mefy crcr peqa”was intercepted and deciphered in the early ‘60’s by crack elements of the ‘01^st CryptoBatallion, it was announced by CINCKREUZBERBOWLINGALLEYANDKASERENZWEIBRUCKEN that Viet Nam had developed a death ray and was going to destroy the WORLD!  There was a great deal of skepticism concerning the conclusion reached by crack ‘01^st analysts in some circles. So, needless to say (but I will) this incident somewhat tarnished the reputation of the ‘01^st in the COMINT Community even though many high administration officials in Washington tended to believe the report and predicated much of subsequent foreign policy on its contents.  Several analysts speculated that it was only STUN ray but this was only rumor until the mystery was solved by cracking the code many years later.       

In retaliation for what some in congress considered a SNAFU, the budget for the base was reduced to “slightly less” than the GNP of Canada, with the stipulation that this kind of faulty analysis “sure as he-- better not happen again”. (Their words, NOT mine!!!)  As further punishment, “Nickel Bargirl Night” at the “O” Club was terminated and the SOS beef ration was halved.  The latter event resulted in a call for volunteers to be ground up for breakfast.  There were 83 volunteers’ and their brave sacrifice helped the AF and others to narrowly avert a crisis.  This is because contemporary medical studies indicated that a reduction in residual SOS molecules in military personnel often decreased nausea, gas, psychotic episodes (like re-upping) and internal bleeding leading to a decline in (a) aggressiveness and therefore fighting ability, and (b) the use of Pepto Bismo which, as the Overseas Weekly later exposed was secretly owned by General Guano and the JCS and provided them millions in profits annually.  Later, in a sincere show of appreciation, the volunteer’s names were inscribed on a silver plated food tray, which now hangs in the Sacred Hall of the Re-Urpped at Ft. Eustice, Arkansas. 

However, the unceasing efforts of the ‘01^st  “tricksters” were beginning to take their toll on the eastern block target nations.  The incisive analysis, timely reporting and smoke from the burn room was demoralizing troops in many forward area countries and some parts of western Russia.  In desperation, in 1966, the “Rooskies” as we called ‘em,  secretly* sold the keys to all of their cypher machines to the U. S. in return for the 6901^st base budget plus a 40 year supply of non-dairy creamer and Anusol.  Thus began the slow demise of the old 6901^st Spec Comm Grp as we who loved it had come to know it. Then, as the popularity of bowling subsided and the need for bowling teams diminished, a USAF presence on the base could no longer be justified.  Ironically, it was at this time that the AF received a refund of $10,714, 689.11 for an over billing of toilet seats, powdered water*** grass seed and Pepto Bismo (which see, above) and used this money to refurbish all of the barracks which were then abandoned. Finally in late 1967, the retirement ceremonies of Sgt. Bernie Bolduc, CINCDUTYROSTER signaled the end of a USAFSS presence on the base. Active duty personnel with more than a year left in service (excluding career types), were sent to Ft. Meade to study Advanced Bureaucracy and Obtuse Language, were made Astronauts or became Base Commanders (E-5 and above.)

Fortunately, the intelligence gathering expertise of the old ‘01^st was not completely lost, however.  Remnants of the unit, now designated the 19961^st were able to convince Congress of the need to retain this valuable expertise and the unit survived as a viable entity until, two years later, now designated the 39991^st was ordered to focus its keen eyes and sensitive ears on the Caribbean, the Arctic Circle and the Women’s Dormitory at Syracuse University.   In 1983, the “new” ‘1069599st as it was now called, intercepted communications indicating that Grenada had developed a death ray and was about to destroy the UNIVERSE.  A preemptive strike was initiated under the command of a little known 12 star general known only as N. Reagan, a somewhat shadowy figure who operated under deep cover most of his career*. The island was finally captured after several months of fierce fighting, mouth to mouth resuscitation and cross-dressing. However, intelligence later reported that the death ray had been spirited out of the country and was being hidden in Panama although there are those who questioned the validity of this information and think that it was actually sent to Somalia, Iraq, Yugoslavia or even Indonesia.

In a final twist of irony, the invasion of Granada, initiated because of the work of former “Zweibrueckers” was led by General La’Marcus “Nighttrain” Charlemagne,(see picture following) descendent of the above mentioned, thus completing the circle that had been started all those years ago in the old days of historic times in the past which was a long time before there was a 6901^st or a Russia or code groups or condoms or pigs or Army chow or any of that other crap. 

Today, the buildings on Olde Kreuzberg stand quietly empty, (except for a small contingent of young people known as the Helmut Kohl Jugen,) a memorial and witness to the thousands of men, women, Russian spies and KP workers who passed through its sacred portals and walked its hallowed, condom strewn grounds, many of them paid a lousy $110.00 dollars a month plus half cooked Army food, dentistry without anesthetics, BX clothes, old movies and no TV for three years in return for four years of their lives. (But wudn’t it fun?)

As long as it stands, KKBA (pronounced KaaKaaBaa)** will serve as a poignant reminder of the personal sacrifices made during the search for a decent meal and the meaning of the code group “yjnaxjvl ezwpmb xjnx mefy crcr peqa”and for the many “Parkies” and Steinhagers chugged during cultural exchange activities on Exheimer Strasse.

It is to the memory of those tireless, brave, and undernourished souls that this recollection  is dedicated. 

NOTE:  That code group, by the way, was finally deciphered in 1998 as part of the Venona Project.  It said “Somebody oughta bomb this @#%# hole." (they never figured out what @#%# meant!)  Unfortunately there was no mention of Viet Nam OR a death ray. 

*Never before released highly sensitive type classified top secret confidential information.

** Stands for Kreuzberg Kaserne & Bowling Alley, hence KaaKaaBAaaaa, and not to be confused with the spanish word caca which loosley translated means  “security service food”. 

***Top secret military provision purchased from the LB & LB Johnson Powdered Water Company. To activate in the field, add water.  

Note:  To the ditty-boppers, this will be:

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Note:  To the ditty-boppers, this will be:

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